red stained Christmas

The cattails sway in the wind.
A soft snow blankets the rough, rugged terrain.
Children run around with rosy cheeks building snowmen, and having snowball fights.
A few sit and try to catch flakes on their tongue.
Off in the distance carolers sing in unison, "O Silent Night."
Stockings hang from the mantel, Christmas decorations light up the night.
As parents call in their children, i walk slowly in the street leaving footprints in the fresh powder.
Walking alone, walking to anywhere.
Using the Christmas lights to guide my way out of here.
Trying to leave all of this behind me.
Wrapped up in the sound of the wind as it whistles between houses.
Sirens scream off in the distance.
A bloody knife sits off the front steps of a quiet, little house.
Once warm with love, shattered with hate.
Red and blue lights flicker as the house is surrounded.
Blood runs down the steps, staining the snow crimson.
Shouts of horror come from the disaster zone.
Tears well up in the eyes of the relatives.
Eyes of the deceased still open... looking for someone, something to help him.
I walk away never looking back as red drips from my hands, leaving a perfect trail.
An imperfect decision, one i do not regret.
So much for a white Christmas.

next ride

Lying in bed, listening to the silence of three a.m., listening to the soft beat of my heart against my skin.
Chills run up and down my spine as i lay upon the sheets.
Twitches pulsate from my thighs and biceps.
The darkness doesn't seem so dark, and the light isn't so bright.
Stuck in this stand still with you.
Sick of these games, sick of the truth.
Just tell me a dirty little lie to move on.
Tell me you don't want me in your arms, tell me you don't want to be with me...
Stop texting me, stop talking to me, stop trying to comfort me.
Leave me stranded on the side of the road with a pistol and a bullet.
Alone, mending my own heart, losing piece by piece as you walk away.
Replacing the good with the bad... it's all i ever know.
I don't know what i would do without the pain, the fake smiles and laughs.
Look into my eyes, there's nothing there but cold, painful, hatred.
You could have saved me, you could have lifted me up from the depths, but you teased me.
Left me reaching for more.
Let me think i was worth something in your eyes.
Just tell me those damn little lies or i swear i won't stop.
Picking it apart piece by piece as you glance over your shoulder.
Walking away from a crippled heart.
Waiting for the next ride down this broken boulevard that is my life.
Softly awakening to the scars and empty bottles.
I'm just lying to myself.

Round Two

I can't seem to stop this silence.
A cold sweat and an empty bottle.
Rags covered in blood line the doorway.
A child's last wish.
Growing up too fast, getting lost in the middle of the night.
Standing alone in the middle of a one way street.
Continuing to follow this god forsaken road.
To nowhere, to anywhere.
This demon consumes me as i scream for help, but the words don't come out.
Suddenly I'm awake again...
Nothing but a bad dream.
Lying alone in the dark listening to the silence of the night.
Blood drips onto the concrete floor from an old scar.
Dirty needles lie on the table, An unpacked pipe is shattered on the ground.
Pictures are torn up, memories are blurred.
Out of Cigarettes for the come down, out of hope.
Relapse, withdrawal, headaches, unanswered prayers, shattered glass, empty pill bottles.
Day breaks, round two.

Never Have I Ever

The church bells ring off in the distance.
Three in the morning and not a soul moves, but mine.
Hopeless from saving.
Alone.
Wrecked from the inside out.
I cannot control this feeling.
HATE, HATE, HATE!
A simple smile warns off all concerned faces.
Walking throughout my day making my feelings unseen and unheard.
Another face in the crowd.
If only everyone knew i never had it together...
What would I become?
A failure, an addict, garbage.
The list goes on and on in my mind.
No end in sight.
"You deserve so much more," they say, but if they really knew me....
I'd be the one everyone looks at disapprovingly.
I just want someone to stop me and make me tell them how i really feel.
I cannot do this forever... i will run out of luck soon enough.

Under the Big Oak

Nothing but a game of cat and mouse.
Stuck in between reality and day dreams.
Drifting away with a simple melody surrounding me.
Floating away watching the stars pass by.
Further and further away from all that is tangible.
Smiles fill my face as i leave all that is life behind for a few.
Room for two... but sitting alone is all i have right now.
I'm waiting for you.
Waiting to hold your hand.
Holding out for sincerity and a touch that warms my soul as the sun rises and shines lightly upon our faces through the window.
Gently waking to the whisper of your voice and the safety of your arms.
Fears drift away with the summer breeze.
Tears wash away with the ocean's tide.
Time ticks away as it starts to catch up to our world.
Letting go of you hand proves harder every time i come here.
Fingertips split apart as i swiftly come back down to Earth.
Reality, back to the world at hand.
Surrounded by strangers faces, alone, here without you.
Waiting for the day these two worlds collide as the leaves turn and fall from the sky.
Patiently waiting under the big oak tree.
Watching the clouds pass by through the bare spots in the oak.
Children simle and giggle as birds sing and chatter fills the emptiness that is my distant world.
Just a game of cat and mouse...

Lessons Learned

Sitting on the back step, feeling the bitterness of the final days of summer night wind brush upon my face.

Smoking my last cigarette of the pack watching the stars fade.

The warmth of every inhale brings memories closer and closer.

Within reach, but too much to grasp.

Everyday it gets easier to look back and not hate you for what you did.

Smiles still haunt my face as i think of holding hands and late nights of our last hours together.

Watching sunsets and talking about everything and nothing all at the same time.

The ghost of your love still lingers.

And even though i know you're already gone, I'm not quite ready to let go.

You will always have a piece of my heart and forever it will be yours.

The wound is healing, the scar is a reminder.

In the pain i have found meaning, i have found myself, and i have new life ahead of me.

Lessons have been learned the hard way, but the i have begun to appreciate them more because of your abstinence.

Little by little I can let go of our past and continue on with my future.

Whatever it may hold i have faith in knowing you will not be there with me, and that it okay.

Here We Go Again

The pounding in my chest beats louder, and louder as the words come scarce.

A picture sits on a messy desk surrounded by cruel intentions and broken dreams.

My hands shake.

My mind races.

Still the pounding in my chest grows louder.

thud, thud, thud.

Shortened breath.

Dry mouth.

The taste of stale tobacco lingers.

Mistakes hover in the crisp night.

The threat of storms hang above as clouds move past the glowing white light of the moon.

Muscles tense, everything i knew is thrown away.

Sleepless nights compile over words unwritten.

An over analyzed waiting game.

Trapped in a stale white room as the walls close in on me.

Shrieks of horror rise up from my soul and yet nothing comes out as i stare blankly into the darkness.

Memories flash of us, of you, of me.

What we used to be.

What we thought would last.

Why have you kept quiet so long?

You left me stranded.

Alone.

Broken.

It's not okay for you to come back into my life without an apology.

There's two sides to every story, but the pen is faded, the story is old and tired.

I haven't much patience.

Worry fills up my mind.

I have no watch, but nothing but time to tear apart every word, every glance, every event.

Here we go again... slipping into a comatose of risk.

Heart on my sleeve, i laid it all out there.

It's your turn, your move, your problem.

Watch me

I know i've got you rattled.

I wish you would make up your mind.

The thought of you still leaves me breathless.

I know you're gone and all i can do is sit and watch the stars fade.

Do you ever sit and wonder what could have been?

Does it still hurt every time you hear my name?

Can you still feel the warmth of my body on cold wintery nights?

I bet you never thought you would need me after you said goodbye.

Mistakes you've made have left you heartless and scared.

Alone and depressed.

Cold and dead inside.

You never thought you would still need me.

I've got you running circles in your own mind.

Lost and out of control.

Every thing you once knew falls at my feet and color fades from your eyes.

Forcing you to watch from a far in black and white.

How does it feel to watch me walk away from you?

Love comes through like a hurricane.

Thunder rumbles off in the distance as everything i wanted falls apart.

Realization sets in.

Alone... always and forever with no glimpse of someone in my life to make me happy.

Stranded inside my own body as if a prisoner to my deteriorating mind.

Hopeless and yet i can no longer produce tears from eyes to feel sorry for something i knew would happen.

A dream turned into another nightmare within hours of sleep.

Restless as i recover from the damage of Hurricane Cupid.

My heart ripped off it's foundation.

Hurled into the sea of pity.

Drowning in sweet serenity.

My heart beats faster and faster and my eyes pixelate as everything goes dark.

The eye of the storm.

Calm for just a minute.

Silence fills the air.

Cloudy skies clear as the damage is seen.

Unmistakeable as blood runs in the streets.

Floods of pain rush down the drains.

Homeless hearts look around for anything that remains.

Jagged edges and rough corners is all that can be seen as the smoke clears.

Dripping with rage and anger the storm passes over another innocent soul.

Waiting for help, waiting for recovery, waiting for protection.

1,025 miles

The touch of your skin against mine is gone for now.
The sound of your voice disapears from my mind.
The taste of your lips vanish as i urn to see you looking into my eyes so softly.
Listening to you breathe as you lie in my arms.
Gently rubbing my hands through your hair as you cuddle up on my chest.
Slowly you drift off to sleep as i gently hold you tighter.
Giving in to every temptation.
My eye lids fall heavy as your body warmth aids in my decent into dreams.
Waking up to having to say goodbye.
1,025 miles away.
Unable to feel your touch, unable to see your smile.
Your scent no longer lingers on my clothes.
Visions of days past is all i have for now.
Waiting for the moment our lips can meet again.
Waiting to show you all the thigns i cannot put into words.
In the end, i just want to hold your hand.

The Morning After

The shame that comes from the darkness of the night.

the blood stained on my tee shirt.

dried blood and band-aids cover the mess.

A cut too deep, worn upon my arm.

Hiding beneath my clothes.

A tortured soul and unforgiving eyes.

Walking Through the Darkness

Walking in the streetlight lit darkness.

Traveling to god know where.

Hurt, broken, fucked up in the head.

Thinking too much, or maybe not enough.

Trying to find something worth smiling at.

Looking for some peace of mind.

Letting the blood trickle down my bicep as i walk alone through broken dreams and shattered hearts.

I cut out mine and leave it on the pavement for the morning goers to stomp on.

Mourners come from far and wide to see the disaster i have made of myself.

When the drugs don't come easy and the people you once knew turn their backs, where do you find yourself?!

Lost in your dreams.

Wishing someone would come find you.

Wishing someone would show you the light.

When you just want to be loved.

To be taken care of.

All I want is to not feel like i have to always run away.

lost hope

I'm not good enough.

I failed in front of everyone.

No place to hide my face.

Running away.

Far from here.

Done with this all.

Noting left to do.

Dreams shatter and fall from sight.

No one even noticed.

On my own, lost and confused.

Drunk and alone.

Alone with the thoughts of death.

The gun cocked, the blades covered in dried blood.

The stains of failure all around.

Old cuts burst open as i restlessly move from side to side as the walls close in on me.

Would anyone really miss me?

Who would see me fall from heaven?

Chills run up and down my spine...

The room grows so cold and dark.

My breaths escape me.

My body is failing on me.

Collapsing on the ground...

Breaking apart as my mind goes a wander and i go numb.

Conforming to everyone else's expectations as they watch me make a wreck of my life.

Alcohol doesn't make the pain stop, the cutting never makes me feel alive.

The blood dripping down my leg is nothing but another broken sin.

Another stain on the carpet.

Pressure building.

Lost hope.

Pull the trigger.

Was it worth it?

falling.

Anticipation.

Heart racing.

Short breathed.

Nervous shaking.

Tense muscles.

Music fades in and out as the voices take hold of me.

Falling from the skies above.

Who's there to catch me?

Slowly falling faster and faster.

Falling past everyone and everything i thought i knew.

Words on lined paper no longer mean anything as i gasp for breath.

Longing for a warm bed to share with someone i can love till i die.

May it be sooner than expected as i look back on my shattered life.

No childhood, frustration sees sadness and pain rather than laughter and happiness.

Blood rushes from my veins into my journal as i bleed, slowly, to death.

No one seems to care, no one helps.

Horrified stares is all i feel burning in the back of my head, leaving permanent scars.

Closer to the end now, losing all hope, dreaming of a life worth living...

eat my words.

Can't sleep at night as you lie by my side.

Watching as your breath turns shallow and dreams begin to form in your mind.

Silently I stare at the ceiling.

My dreams reject me.

My thoughts run wild with pain and suffering.

I choke on my own words as they spill out and engulf the room, slowly suffocating me.

Pulling back all the wrong ideas becomes too much as i try to cheat death.

Never giving in, but sickly enjoying every painful cut.

Blood flows from my fingertips as i write my last words on the wall.

Picking apart every moment i've wronged someone, every moment i've hurt myself.

Flashbacks to a better time, where all i can see is blurred out faces smiling, laughter fills the air.

Nobody's there as i look to take my last breath and choke on my very own words, the last three i will ever have a chance to say.

Here it comes, the last struggle, the last moment, the time to say goodbye...

"I Love you..."

The Boy With The Gorgeous Eyes

All time stops and fades away.

Softly his lips press against mine and pull away so slowly.

Wondering if he returns this feeling i've begun to express.

Drowning in his ice blue eyes, as he stares into my mind trying to figure out what our next move is.

My hands caress his back feeling the warmth he expels from his body through his skin.

Gently rubbing my cheek upon his as he laughs softly as my beard tickles his chin.

Refusing to let go as we lye awake in my bed.

The dawn slowly rises and i watch him breathe restfully, resting my head upon his chest.

Finally, awaking he realizes were he is and smiles with flashing white teeth at the sight of me.

Gradually he puts his hand on the back of my head and the other holds my body close to his as he passionately kisses my forehead.

Feeling safe and secure he murmurs those three little words.

Silence takes the place of the air conditioning hum and i gaze into his eyes searching through the cluster to find the truth.

Maybe i can finally let my guard down.

Maybe i should take this moment and run with it.

So many questions unanswered, so many decisions unaccounted for.

As time begins to slowly to tick away again i breathe shallow and whisper in his ear, "I love you too."

Time speeds up and he's gone away, just for awhile as i am left to ponder what is next to come, and what seemed so surreal has finally digested.

The boy with the gorgeous eyes is mine, the boy with the smile to kill for, is mine.

That boy doesn't understand what he just got himself into.

That boy has no idea i am scared of the uncertain. 

That boy is mine.

What we once knew.

I used to speak with kind and gentle words.

So sweet and tender to the ear.

For anyone who wanted to hear.

But then my world came down.

Crashing and burning before your eyes.

You stood in awe as the flames tormented my body.

Leaving me lifeless and dark.

My heart that once flowed with love was replaced with cold hatred for the world.

No longer were there words of hope and love.

Instead word of hate, slander, death, suicide and misery echoed from the darkest depths of my soul.

Waiting for someone to hear my wrath, looking for someone's life to destroy.

Wanting everyone to be as miserable as i am.

Ripping apart any strength this humanity had left in me.

Speaking words so dark storms form as i speak to unleash the demons of Hell.

To forsake this Earth and remind people that there is no such thing as a God.

No one is there to save you, and all you have left is the words you once heard flow from my mouth.

The same mouth that raised you up and tore you down to my level.

The end of the happiness and hope.

The rebirth of darkness.

Welcome home.

life lessons and letting go.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

the past is the past

I had, you, i lost you, i longed for you...

the past is the past.

today i look forward to what could be.

to a life without you...

i am no longer afraid to walk alone.

i don't need you anymore.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you...

i removed you from my life.

you're pictures are gone.

the memories are stained.

the pain is no more.

the hate is wearing away.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you...

the past is the past.

the words you spoke no longer pick apart my mind.

the touch you once had is no longer felt.

the things we had are wrapped up in a box and thrown in the trash.

The picture frame was smashed on the floor, covered in the blood stains of my hands.

the cuts i thought would never heal.

they're gone, the stitches are permanent.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you...

the past is the past.

that's over with now.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you, and now i moved on.

Miserable at Best.

I don' t know what to do...

I'm miserable at best. 

I see him in everything.

I can still hear his soft, but strong voice as it surrounds me when he says, "hey."

I can even feel him all around me.

Gently touching my skin, caressing my body against his.

Kissing me so softly all around.

Feeling his love run up and don my spine.

Goose bumps fill my arms and back.

My eyes find him all around, but when I look back he's not there.

He's left me alone.

Locked out of love in darkness.

If only you would have given me a second chance.

I know I can change.

Just please let me love one more day...

As I fall into the depths of hatred and loneliness I reach out one last time in hopes I feel your hands there to catch me.

Nothing.

No one.

All I wish is to feel your lips pressed against mine one more time.

Instead I still fall... further and further into death.

What Remains...

Out of the darkness you appeared.

You helped me to become who i am.

You made a commitment to me.

You said you would never leave me.

You lied.

Darkness came again and you vanished.

I fail to see the light.

I fail to see if it will ever be okay.

The ghost of you lingers.

I can still feel you, I can still feel the remains of the ring i once wore proudly upon my left hand.

I can see you take yours off...

My world crumbles into your hands.

I need someone to help me pick the pieces up.

I never even got a last dance.

There was no chance for me.

Out of the blue came blackness.

No tomorrow, no future, nothing.

Dear Mother & Father

I know you don 't like it.

I wish you would just ignore it.

I'm sorry, but this was not my choice.

I did not plan to fall in love.

I would have rather just wrinkled up and died alone.

Cold and abused.

Torn and ashamed of what i am, of who i have become.

Of what i never had a choice about. 

Just leave it alone, kick me out, pretend i never existed.

Just let me go.

I'll change my last name, i'll move far away, you'll never hear from me again.

I'll wear a fake smile and pretend like it is all okay.

I'll wear long sleeves even in the summer to hide the cuts and the scars of everything i've done to myself.

I'll take that gun and put it to my head, not able to pull the trigger so instead i just sit in misery and cry about my loss, my failures... 

My hopelessness. 

But i did my best to make you realize this is my life.

My chance to be great, my chance to fail miserably, my chance to do things the way i want... 

I'm sorry you do not approve.

i wish.

i wish you could understand this anger that you make me feel.

the way that i get when it seems you don't understand.

you just nod your head and agree as my words and my poetry  dance around your head.

never quite connecting with that mind that you claim have inside.

I've devoted myself to you.

i listen and do as you please, I'm always here for you, but you don't give me the same attention.

you just say we remember things differently, but i know better.

don't you understand that I'm not a fucking moron.

that I'm smarter than i look.

i know what's going on.

and yet somehow i always end up apologizing for the way you make ME feel.

how does that work?

one day i may not be there for you.

I'm gone, i walked out the door.

I've given up on everything I've felt for you.

it was so much easier to be alone.

I'm so angry that you took so much of my life away from me.

you've cut me deeper than ever before.

I've rendered my soul into this black and white society and all i wanted in return was some form of love.

too much to ask of you i now know.

i wish i wasn't so slow on figuring that out.

i would have moved on by now and it is so hard to let go of the one thing you thought would last forever.

the cut bleeds more and more.

soon there won't be a me and you. soon there won't be a me.

just you, alone, and me in the darkness and fire of Hell.

but now I'm just pissed off, asleep and dreaming...

Foolish

Stuck here, conscious, but unable to move.

digging, deeper and deeper into this untouched Earth.

Tossed away.

Nothing.

Useless.

BURY ME!

Stuck in this eternal purgatory.

Dry heaving, losing feeling in my heart.

Eyes becoming heavy.

Fading into blackness.

Alone, afraid.

Foolish.

Love me.

Tell me what i want to hear.

Screaming does no good.

Fake smiles.

Someone call out for help.

I cannot do it alone.

Shallow breathing.

Cold sweat.

Forgiveness.

Sound ends.

Life ends.

Did anyone notice?

mistakes...

promises broken...

heartache...

it's so hard when i put myself in this situation.

what have i done?

if i could do things differently, what would i choose?

would i make these same mistakes that plague my conscious or would i be smarter?

i want to be a better person, but change comes so difficult for one who is set in their ways.

to be tame, to be loved, to give yourself completely to someone who you don't even deserve.

i shot myself in the foot, i bled for the wrong reasons, i hurt myself and no one was there to tell me otherwise.

if their is a God, what have i done to deserve this fate?

why was it so easy to see the right choice, but so hard to follow through?

so i sit in darkened silence and rip my thoughts apart as if i have never once in my life taken the path that leads to higher ground.

tears fill my swollen eyes as i regret and let the music take me away to darkness and horror.

no one can help me now...

alone at last with myself, not safe, painfully disturbed and broken.

trapped inside my own mind games.

these fucking games, please just go away.

screaming for help, but no one hears me... no one knows me.

if only you could recognize my playful distrustfulness. 

but i am too far gone, where no one can reach me, treading in deep water, barley staying afloat. 

as if i am made of stone i sink deeper and deeper grasping for air, dying slowly inside.

trying to fond my way back, but the weight of my sins pull me deeper and deeper into another direction.

a new destination in hell... maybe purgatory... stuck without hope or guidance. 

when all i want to do is die. 

when all i deserve is a slow painful death.

i cannot seem to see the light...

bury me alive.

cut deeper that ever before.

more lost than ever before.

staring off into space... no looking back now.

so hard to say it.

"goodbye". 

Back At Ohio University!

I am finally back at school after six weeks of break. I have never been happier, but it always seems to have a few downfalls. Class for one, but mainly i miss the love of my life and my best friend the most out of anything. Classes aren't bad and i can deal, but it is so hard for me to not spend every minute thinking of what those two special people in my life are doing. It's hard to be four hours away from someone you know yo want to spend the rest of your life with. There is always temptation as well. It is sometimes hard for me to make the right one, but i try my best to do what's right for "us" rather than just I. It has been taking some time for me to get use to being "alone" again and it's hard for me to go back to being independent rathe than always being with my significant other. I make the wrong decision a lot, but i guess that is the main point of college... to make your own mistakes and learn form them. Besides, if someone really loves you they really should not judge you ever. They need to accept that you're in a position where you need to make your own decisions and they can only influence you so much. Well, here's to a new quarter, and  new year of learning and growing as a person. 

Always yours,

Vincent Andrew