Sunday, December 21, 2008

tick tock

tick tock, tick tock...
second by second, minute by minute.
tick tock, tick tock...
you won't touch me, you won't speak to me.
tick tock, tick tock...
it seems as if you no longer care.
tick tock, tick tock...
I'm just hear for shits and giggles.
tick tock, tick tock...
i no longer matter to you, I'm nothing once again.
drunk and alone, hurt, self-destructive.
tick tock, tick tock...
the sound dries me crazy as the time passes on by with nothing to live for, no one but despair and the angel of death may come sooner than expected.
tick tock, tick tock...
the haunting of taunts from all of "worthless" and "useless" come back strong to ear.
tick tock, tick tock...
all i can hear as time consumes my soul, watching me at every corner.
never once letting go of my mistakes.
tick tock, tick tock...
the final seconds draw nearer and nearer as this poem comes to an end.
tick... tock... tick.. tock...
the clock no longer speaks as he lies face down in the blood stained snow on a cold winter's eve.


Wednesday, December 3, 2008

words of advice...

dreaming in black and white.
simplistic views of how the world should be.
people complicate things.
left and right, things go wrong.
people change, people get emotional.
people, die too soon, while others live too long.
not everyone is good at heart.
different is bad and conformity is praised.
people stare with beady little eyes at things they just do not understand.
words really do hurt.
parents do not always deserve a child.
blood isn't always family.
true love is god's gift to the world.
dreaming is a form of masturbation.
to say "good bye" is to end something.
to  break down and cry is a re-birth.
to smile for no reason is pure bliss.
a walk in the rain cleanses the soul.
to hold someone's hand shows more emotion than words can express.
friends come and go, but you'll always have yourself to rely on.
never build a wall, just think before you speak.
but be certain to never censor yourself around those you trust.
watch a sunrise instead of a sunset for once.
have a conversation with a child.
run, but make sure you come back.
scream, for no reason, for many reasons, because you don't know what else to do.
read a book.
dance.
sing like you're on crack.
take a cooking class.
give a high five to a random stranger.
just be yourself, if people don't like you for that, at least they'll respect you.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Death Stick

Lungs filled up with smoke.

Nicotine flowing into my bloodstream.

Thousands of cancerous chemicals slowly shut down my bodily functions.

A pack of Marlboro Lights at my side.

Butane lighter in my back pocket.

Two cigarettes faced up for good luck.

A silly little ritual to get me through the day.

A little cigarette to get me through the day.

To calm the nerves.

To wash and filter out the taste of failure from my mouth.

Smoke to be social, to be “cool”, and to rebel against a conformed society.

Realizing you are going to die anyways and just finding something to speed up the process.

A friend on a dark, cold, lonely night.

A guiding light, the burning end of a midnight cigarette.

A sleep aid.

A mind relaxer.

An age old friend.

A pocket burner.

A cancer causer.

The best moment of my day.

The friend in an endless sea of mistrust.

One white filtered cigarette.

 

 

High School Memory

Frustration fills my head.

Hate consumes my heart.

Rage burns in my eyes.

I look upon you with disgust.

If only I would have known this would have happened I never would have even bothered to say hello.

I never would have told you everything.

I never would have lost a moment of sleep over you.

Teardrops would have never fallen from my eyes.

Another face in the crowd, nothing but a stranger to me.

A childish boy in a man’s world.

Never quite realizing what you are losing.

Everything I gave you… lost.

Everything I got… boxed up and thrown in the attic.

Another picture to burn, another best friend break-up.

All lost in an old high school yearbook photograph.

Just a turn down memory lane.

A one way street to betrayal.

A knife in my back. Sliced through my heart.

Saying Goodbye

Tears swell in my eyes as we say our goodbyes.

Forever in my heart, but now we must part.

Driving away into the sun, always on the run.

Forgotten, but not forgiven.

To Fall In Love

Looking into your eyes.

Falling deeper and deeper into lost thought.

Ice blue eyes stare back at me with friendship.

Nothing more, nothing less.

A best friend I will always be, but inside I hold a dark secret I cannot express.

I have fallen in love with you.

Everything you seem do is perfect.

But I cannot have you.

You are taken and it disturbs me so to see you with someone else.

So I distance myself from you to try and suppress my emotions.

But there is no denying the sudden fast heartbeat when you walk into the room.

I get tongue tied and my heart melts when you speak, but still you remain untouchable.

My best friend, my partner in crime, and my secret love.

No one compares to you, so I go alone in my life journey waiting till the day when you start to notice me.

And if someday I do start to matter please tell me and yours I will be.            

The Burden I Bare

To be young, but wise beyond my years.

To have to learn at a young age the pain of loss.

To live through a tragic moment that will be forever burned into my mind.

Suicide.

The loss of not one, but two close friends.

Never being able to say goodbye, and never knowing why.

So many questions unanswered.

There was no note, no signs, and still I must learn to accept everything that has happened.

I cannot cope, I cry myself to sleep still, and I scream and yell at myself for not seeing the warnings.

I was not there for them when they needed me and it is I who suffers most.

I shelter myself by running away from the school.

I run away from the people whom I believe caused my friends to end their lives.

I cannot talk to my friends who are still here because they just don’t seem to understand.

My parents are hard on me and say if I ever need to talk to them, they are there for me, but how could they understand how I feel?

It seems I am unable to express myself to anyone, but the idea of crying makes me feel weak.

Seeing someone for help seems unreasonable to me.

So instead I sit alone in my room, and blame myself for everything that is going wrong in the world.

I pray to God to never let this happen to anyone ever again.

And still I weep at night praying for forgiveness.

To grow up never knowing why.

To try so hard to do everything for them.

This burden I bare alone.

Still, everyone chants, only the good die young.

But here I lie with uncertainty of what great things they could have achieved if only they thought of whom they were leaving behind.

And here I come into a world paralyzed, broken hearted, mentally unfit, and unable to forgive them.

With them I travel, watching over me and letting my voice be heard for them.

A Deadly Affair


                  A man sits in his office staring out his twenty-third story window, dressed nicely in an Armani suit tailored to his muscular body. His wife sits at home, tall and skinny with skinny jeans and a retro tee shirt, waiting on him to come home every night. His children sleep in their Los Angeles mansion, dreaming of a day with Dad. He calls his wife to tell her not to wait up for him because he is swamped at work.  She sighs loudly on the phone as she has done all week, expecting the call.

A woman walks into his office slowly and gracefully. She is tall and slender, wearing stilettos and a tight fighting black dress that contours to her body, hugging her hips. “Mr. Smith would you like to escort me to dinner?” she speaks softly, her voice husky and musical. “I would love to Violet,” responds Mr. Smith in his usual quiet voice. Calm, but assertive. Violet has been working for Mr. Smith for three years now as his secretary. She is stunning. Long smooth legs, a nice tight butt, large breasts, and gorgeous facial features. Her lips are seductive and her blue eyes seem to just stare into your soul. Her long blond hair rounded out her face when she let it down; otherwise she wore it pulled back into a tight ponytail as she worked answering calls and delivering messages to Mr. Smith. They had started their affair a year and a half earlier.

It all seemed to be casual at first, harmless flirting and the occasional touching of the skin. Their relationship became more sexual as one late day at work turned into an early morning. Both terrified and guilty of what had just happened, the workroom was quiet and awkward. No more touching of the skin, no more subtle flirting.

Even though Mr. Smith was ashamed of his affair with Violet, he couldn’t seem to get enough of her no matter how awkward things became in the office, he wanted her. He stared at her when she walked by him, admiring her beauty. Slowly he began to pick up the flirting again, the touching resumed, and once again a late night at work turned into an early morning. The long nights at work began to become routine. Mr. Smith would call his wife three or four times a week to tell her not to wait up.

Mr. Smith could no longer face his wife and children. He made up any excuse he could to avoid speaking to his wife. He backed away from his wife’s affection, he avoided eye contact at dinner, and he spent all hours of the night slaving away in his home office. Mrs. Smith, his wife, had started to become suspicious. She felt betrayed by her once adoring husband. She was confused about her husband’s new behavior.

                                    Mr. Smith and Violet became closer and closer. Their relationship became more than just sexual. Violet fell in love with Mr. Smith and she was certain that Mr. Smith returned the affection, but why then has he not divorced his wife. Mr. Smith struggled with this same issue. He felt he was slowly falling out of love with his wife, and he was becoming more and more affectionate with Violet. Yet, Mr. Smith could not see himself leaving his two beautiful girls. What kind of father would he be if he if he walked out on his two daughters?

                  Mrs. Smith started to become more and more suspicious of her husband’s late nights at work. One Thursday, she decided to try and get to the bottom of what was tearing her marriage apart. She called Mr. Smith’s office only to get Violet on the other line. “Hello, Smith Enterprises this is Violet how may I help you?” The phrase that she uttered so many times before in her three years working as a secretary. Mrs. Smith was used to the voice on the other end of the phone. Stammering Mrs. Smith responded, “Hi, this is Mrs. Smith, may I talk to my husband please?” Violet was taken aback by the voice on the other line she quickly put Mrs. Smith on hold and paged Mr. Smith. “Yes, Violet?” he asked. “Your wife is on the phone,” she quietly replied. “Tell her I’m in a meeting and I won’t be able to make dinner, but I will call her when I get out,” Mr. Smith said calmly. “Will do sir,” Violet’s voice echoed, “I’m sorry Mrs. Smith. Your husband is in a meeting, but he wanted me to tell you that he will be late for dinner tonight and not to wait up for him.” Mrs. Smith sighed and said, “Thank you, Violet,” as she hung up the phone.

                  It was another night that Mrs. Smith would toss and turn alone in their empty king sized bed. As she lay awake in her bed, she thought to herself ways to save her marriage and what her husband could possibly doing at work so late. She had never asked questions before, but now more than ever she had horrible thoughts shoot through her mind. Where could he be? What was he doing? She could easily call him, but she didn’t want to seem too needy. She was afraid of what she might find out if she went and saw him while he was at work, but she needed to know. She sat up, staring into the dark. Finally, she got up, grabbed her keys and got into her shiny sliver Mercedes Benz that Mr. Smith had bought her for her thirtieth birthday. She pulled out of her LA mansion quietly trying not to wake the girls. All the way to Smith Enterprises, she drove in silence, debating whether or not to turn around at every intersection and red light.

                  Finally, she pulled upon her husband’s place of work just in time to see him and his secretary exit the building. What she saw next she could hardly believe. Violet kissed her husband, long and seductively. Mr. Smith hung from her lips as he stood at his car’s side. He opened the door for her and she stepped in. Mrs. Smith was unsure of what she had just seen, but she was in absolute awe. As Mr. Smith stepped into his red H3, she decided to follow them to wherever the night may take them. The red H3 pulled out of the parking lot with Mrs. Smith hot on the trail. She kept her distance from the car, but kept her eye on her husband and Violet. She imagined them holding hands in the front seat as Mr. Smith drove into the night.

                  Eventually, the red H3 pulled into a sleazy looking motel. There, her husband and the secretary exited the car and grabbed a key to a room upfront. As they entered the room, Mrs. Smith played out many scenarios in her mind. From the continuing of business that Mr. Smith and Violet may be doing, to the more evident sex that was happening as she looked onto the motel with disbelief. She parked her car next to the H3. She stepped out of her car and walked slowly up to the window to peak in on her husband. As she peaked in through the blinds covering the window, all her worst fears had come true. There on the bed, naked, was Violet with Mr. Smith hovering over her.

                  Mrs. Smith walked back to her car and pulled a large blade out of her glove box. She walked up to the room where her husband now laid naked with Violet. She gently knocked on room 103. She heard silence and then walking. The door cracks open and she sees, Violet’s face in the crack of the door. Violets eyes quiver in fear as she turns to slam the door, but Mrs. Smith lunges her hand to block the door. She busts in to find Violet screaming as she walks towards her husband with the long blade in her hand. Mr. Smith lay motionless in bed as his once loving wife moved towards him with a six inch blade. From outside, all that was heard was a violent scream, until it was silenced by a thud. Blood splashed against the window of the motel. The door creaked open and out walked a stiff Mrs. Smith. Still holding the blade in her hand, covered in blood. As sirens roared in the distance, Mrs. Smith turned the key in the ignition and sped away back to her LA mansion where her two darling little girls slept, never to see their father again because laying on the floor in a pool of blood was Mr. Smith. One large, deep cut across his neck. 

simple drive

 I drove my car down the side streets to the high school on my usual route to another dreaded day of useless learning of things I will never actually use in my life. I had no idea what was waiting for me when I got there. As I walked into the building it all seemed wrong. Something inside me felt uneasy, like after you watch a very graphic movie. Something wasn’t right at all. The entire high school was quiet, so quiet you could hear the usually unnoticed buzz of the air conditioning. I brushed of the feeling and the silence as I walked over to my locker, grabbed my books and headed to class. Sitting down in algebra, I couldn’t seem to ignore this bad feeling I was having. It was felt as if something was gnawing on my stomach. Then, when I least expected it, my bad feeling was confirmed when a teacher unknown to me entered the classroom with a sad, disappointed look on his face. He casually interrupted my teacher as he explained that another student had committed suicide. I sat with my face blank letting his words bounce off my face. Feeling that gnawing feeling in my stomach get worse and worse, but boys don’t cry. I sat in silence and tried to figure out what the hell was happening on this otherwise normal day. As the girl next to me burst out in tears I could only stare at her with disbelief as her cold, dead eyes stared into my soul for some kind of feeling. Some kind of sign that I cared. I tried, but all that came out of my mouth were mumbles. The gnawing feeling turned to emptiness as I walked out of my classroom. I didn’t know where to go so I walked mesmerized through a sea full of people who were unaffected by this tragic news. I tried to talk and comfort my friends as they broke down into tears in front of me and screamed words of hatred. And still I stood quietly confused and blank. Nothing. No pain, no tears. Finally, as I held my best friend in my arms as she cried her heart out, I too, wept tears. Walking into the room with everyone else, it had finally hit me that she was gone. I could no longer hold back tears. After awhile my eyes were red and puffy, I was surrounded by tissues, I was comforted, and I was heartbroken. And all that seemed left was to walk up to her grave, leave a red rose, and say my final goodbyes as birds sang in the background and the wind whispered words of wisdom as I sat at the base of her grave, quietly praying for some sort of forgiveness.

           

            As we sat in the basement casually drinking, bullshit conversations filled our mouths as we became drunker and drunker. Trying to have a good time, before having to deal with the real world of being a teenager. Conversation suddenly took a very sharp turn into very serious life discussions. Questions filled our minds. Where did we see ourselves in twenty years? What were our goals in life? Would we always be best friends?

            We sat in a circle and took turns answering the questions. Everyone seemed to think that no mattered what happened we would always be friends, but I didn’t feel the same way. As much as I loved them, I needed to do something different then what they thought. They talked of staying in Ohio and living out the rest of their lived where we grew up. This disgusted me. How they could stay in this dull place, I asked myself. Finally, when it was my turn to answer the questions, I answered truthfully. I spoke of how much I loved them, but sometimes people need to leave what they know all behind for something different. For something they think they absolutely need. I told them that as much as I loved them, I had very different plans. I explained that when I had the chance I would leave Ohio for good and cut off all connection to the dreaded state. I was no longer going to be Vincent Andrew Laudato. I was going to start fresh. I was going to move as far away as possible and not even call my family. I was going to be alone. As I spoke of my plans they stared at me blankly, almost with hatred. When I finished, they were upset with me. They didn’t understand. They asked me “why?” over and over again. The only response I could come up with was that I truly needed to leave everyone behind. I needed to disappear and fade away into the distance. I needed it for myself. They never quite understood, but what I realized from this, is something that I had never thought of: I was different. My friends and family had no idea who I really was inside. They didn’t understand me and it seems they never would. They questioned our friendship and questioned my morals. I learned that as identical as I was to my friends, I was in turn completely different.

 

            Lying in my bed, thinking about the universe before I fall asleep. The question of faith enters my mind. Does God really exist? As much as I want to have faith, this man has never once showed me that he does. I have trouble believing in him, but the thought of there being nothing out there after you die seems heartbreaking as well. Sometimes I find myself cursing the heavens for the things that have happened to me. I curse God for taking away my friends, for putting me with this horrible family, and for putting me in a place where I just do not seem to belong. Other times I find myself praying to him at night to help me through the next day. I ask him for forgiveness and to assume responsibility for my sins. I ask that no one ever has to go through what I have gone through. I ask that he takes all the sadness of the word and place it upon my shoulders for me to carry. I praise him for my friends. I ask that he let them forget me. I tell him it would just be easier that way, but still no answer. He is never there for me, he has never spoken to me, and I sit here still with issues he has cursed me with. Why, if he does exist, has he ignored me? When I needed him most, he was nowhere to be found. The Bible says call for me and I will be there. I have called time and time again and yet you still push me out of the way. I ask of you, what lesson are you trying to help me learn? If it is to hate myself, you have succeeded in many ways. I do not know how to take faith into my life without it ever having it helped me. I can no longer face the priest in church, so instead I bust myself with other things to distract myself on Sundays. I try to put you out of my mind, but I have so many questions. I suppose the only time I will ever receive the answers to these many questions is when I die. For now I sit and I ponder and hope for the best, but if you are there, I beg of you… please help me out. If only just this once. Give me a reason to bow my head at night and pray for forgiveness. Show me that all my prayers have been heard by you. Let me know it will all be okay in the end. Help me except you as my savior and my king. Just show me a sign, no matter how small it may be. I will be looking.

three words, two hearts, one chance

As I sit looking over the abandoned college campus I cannot help but to think of all that have come before me and all that will come after I have passed through.
Staring into the black, cloud covered night.
Not one cricket chirps.
Silence rules the night.
Thoughts bounce around in my mind damaging my inner heart.
Threating my mental stability.
My love runs weak.
I have not seen him in nearly two weeks.
Slowly losing m mind.
Drifting further and further away from reality.
Collapsing into conformity.
Striving to believe in life…
To believe in anything.
My soul drifts around campus as a lonely trumpet plays softly in the distance.
A daunting sound that few would deem as melodic.
A light drizzle begins to fall.
Each raindrop a reason to seek shelter as the true storm brings an achy loneliness to my heart.
An empty aura bleeds into the pavement and into the brick housing.
Lower my spirits drift until I am no more.
Until dreams no longer return to my sleep.
The vision of your face, my only medication.
One love, one hope, two hearts.

first kiss


holding on tightly. dare i ever let go. and when i do i frighten that you may never come back to me. never again to make me feel so indescribeable. when i look into your eyes, i know you need me as much as i need you. pressed upon your body, firm but gentle. making sure you know i do not want to ever let you go. even though for tonight, i must. a dreaded moment soon to happen. letting go, even if for just a night is devastating. as i try to let go you hold me firmly and refuse to let go... mumbling those three little words for the first time. i freeze and take a moment to look into your eyes to make sure you're not just saying what i want to hear, but all i can do is gently press my lips upon yours and ask you to say it again. stronger, in that reasuring voice. that moment all i can do is hug you tightly against your green dodge truck and say "i love you too."

all i have left

hang me from the highest branch.
let me look down upon all who have driven me to this point.
dead eyes with no remorse.
heart lying on the ground.
torn in a thousnad pieces.
each piece belonging to not one whom deserves it.

tomorrow maybe

sitting on an old park bench. darkness aproaching. sobriety far from reach. rain wipes away blood forming a red tinted puddle beneath an empty bottle of Jack Daniels. tears flow from deep within. forming in the depths of his soul. burried beneath the man they once knew. the hard hitting, strong willed, intelligent man they once knew. he sits baffled in an abandoned park. staring out over the field. shaking uncontrolably. still the moon climbs high into the sky, peaking out from behind the clouds of dispair. his only friend is the sound of the disshuffled wind as it blows hard upon his face. slowing causing him to fade more and more into the darkness of the night. alone in this world. finally giving in. with nothing left to give he slowly lifts the bottle. he olds onto the spout as he smashes the bottle on the ground to form a sharp edge. slices it across his neck and waits till morning. another day? maybe...

struggle


thoughts bounce around in my mind. heartache is prominent as you stare me in the eyes. confirming all my worst fears. alone, broken, raw. lost in this cold world, shooting blanks in this war of love and hate. dreams shattered. blood trickles from my chest where the needle hides old, warn down scars left from a darker age. lifeless, numb, confused. the past is the past, and the future is unseen, so we sit here in the present and think what tomorrow will bring as we forget the past and reap the benefits of an unforgiving society. blackened eyes. dark from wisdom beyond his years, from lack of sleep, from many nights pondering where he went wrong. smoke rises from his cigerattes as he fights his words and thoughts that havecondemed him to a life full of disapointment and yet still he pushes. making sure his word is heard, always trying to change the world. believeing that one day he will be remembered as a voice for those would could not speak, for those who were too afraid to speak, for all those who could not find the words to say they were lost and in pain. his stuggle was my struggle, it was your struggle. this is his story. a work in progress. constantly re-writing word by word and sentance by sentance. you can find him in your dreams, in your heart, in your struggle.

To Write Love On Her Arms

O WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.
by jamie tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won’t see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she’d say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars." 

I would rather write her a song, because songs don’t wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnight, between hurricane and harbor, as both claim to save her. 

Renee is 19. When I meet her, cocaine is fresh in her system. She hasn’t slept in 36 hours and she won’t for another 24. It is a familiar blur of coke, pot, pills and alcohol. She has agreed to meet us, to listen and to let us pray. We ask Renee to come with us, to leave this broken night. She says she’ll go to rehab tomorrow, but she isn’t ready now. It is too great a change. We pray and say goodbye and it is hard to leave without her.

She has known such great pain; haunted dreams as a child, the near-constant presence of evil ever since. She has felt the touch of awful naked men, battled depression and addiction, and attempted suicide. Her arms remember razor blades, fifty scars that speak of self-inflicted wounds. Six hours after I meet her, she is feeling trapped, two groups of "friends" offering opposite ideas. Everyone is asleep. The sun is rising. She drinks long from a bottle of liquor, takes a razor blade from the table and locks herself in the bathroom. She cuts herself, using the blade to write "FUCK UP" large across her left forearm.

The nurse at the treatment center finds the wound several hours later. The center has no detox, names her too great a risk, and does not accept her. For the next five days, she is ours to love. We become her hospital and the possibility of healing fills our living room with life. It is unspoken and there are only a few of us, but we will be her church, the body of Christ coming alive to meet her needs, to write love on her arms. 

She is full of contrast, more alive and closer to death than anyone I’ve known, like a Johnny Cash song or some theatre star. She owns attitude and humor beyond her 19 years, and when she tells me her story, she is humble and quiet and kind, shaped by the pain of a hundred lifetimes. I sit privileged but breaking as she shares. Her life has been so dark yet there is some soft hope in her words, and on consecutive evenings, I watch the prettiest girls in the room tell her that she’s beautiful. I think it’s God reminding her.

I’ve never walked this road, but I decide that if we’re going to run a five-day rehab, it is going to be the coolest in the country. It is going to be rock and roll. We start with the basics; lots of fun, too much Starbucks and way too many cigarettes. 

Thursday night she is in the balcony for Band Marino, Orlando’s finest. They are indie-folk-fabulous, a movement disguised as a circus. She loves them and she smiles when I point out the A&R man from Atlantic Europe, in town from London just to catch this show.

She is in good seats when the Magic beat the Sonics the next night, screaming like a lifelong fan with every Dwight Howard dunk. On the way home, we stop for more coffee and books, Blue Like Jazz and (Anne Lamott’s) Travelling Mercies.

On Saturday, the Taste of Chaos tour is in town and I’m not even sure we can get in, but doors do open and minutes after parking, we are on stage for Thrice, one of her favorite bands. She stands ten feet from the drummer, smiling constantly. It is a bright moment there in the music, as light and rain collide above the stage. It feels like healing. It is certainly hope.

Sunday night is church and many gather after the service to pray for Renee, this her last night before entering rehab. Some are strangers but all are friends tonight. The prayers move from broken to bold, all encouraging. We’re talking to God but I think as much, we’re talking to her, telling her she’s loved, saying she does not go alone. One among us knows her best. Ryan sits in the corner strumming an acoustic guitar, singing songs she’s inspired. 

After church our house fills with friends, there for a few more moments before goodbye. Everyone has some gift for her, some note or hug or piece of encouragement. She pulls me aside and tells me she would like to give me something. I smile surprised, wondering what it could be. We walk through the crowded living room, to the garage and her stuff. 

She hands me her last razor blade, tells me it is the one she used to cut her arm and her last lines of cocaine five nights before. She’s had it with her ever since, shares that tonight will be the hardest night and she shouldn’t have it. I hold it carefully, thank her and know instantly that this moment, this gift, will stay with me. It hits me to wonder if this great feeling is what Christ knows when we surrender our broken hearts, when we trade death for life. 

As we arrive at the treatment center, she finishes: "The stars are always there but we miss them in the dirt and clouds. We miss them in the storms. Tell them to remember hope. We have hope."

I have watched life come back to her, and it has been a privilege. When our time with her began, someone suggested shifts but that is the language of business. Love is something better. I have been challenged and changed, reminded that love is that simple answer to so many of our hardest questions. Don Miller says we’re called to hold our hands against the wounds of a broken world, to stop the bleeding. I agree so greatly. 

We often ask God to show up. We pray prayers of rescue. Perhaps God would ask us to be that rescue, to be His body, to move for things that matter. He is not invisible when we come alive. I might be simple but more and more, I believe God works in love, speaks in love, is revealed in our love. I have seen that this week and honestly, it has been simple: Take a broken girl, treat her like a famous princess, give her the best seats in the house. Buy her coffee and cigarettes for the coming down, books and bathroom things for the days ahead. Tell her something true when all she’s known are lies. Tell her God loves her. Tell her about forgiveness, the possibility of freedom, tell her she was made to dance in white dresses. All these things are true.

We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don’t get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won’t solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we’re called home. 

I have learned so much in one week with one brave girl. She is alive now, in the patience and safety of rehab, covered in marks of madness but choosing to believe that God makes things new, that He meant hope and healing in the stars. She would ask you to remember.

rain, rain go away

the rain falls upon the quiet neighborhood.
slowly releasing from the heavens above.
pitter patter... pitter patter.
a boy sits i nthe dark with a 6in blade to his forearm.
not wanting to die, or just not having the guts to hang himself from the top bunk.
he listens as the rain falls.
pitter patter... pitter patter.
going over slowly what he does many times before.
a nice long slow cut to get things going.
blood runs down his arm slowly.
one cut after another untill the blood flows from him.
it runs ruby red down his arm....
onto his hand.
covering up what he use to see.
looiing at it. as it runs.
the pain was the best part...
the blood was just a bonus.
pitter patter... pitter patter.
tiny droplets falll to the carpet staining it red.
lying to himeself saying that was the last time...
pitter patter... pitter patter.
dead before he realizes he has gone to far.
pitter patter... pitter patter.
and all he knew watched as he fell from grace.
pitter patter... pitter patter.
gone without a word.
pitter patter... pitter patter.
with only the rain to wash away his sorrows.
pitter patter... pitter patter.

breaking down

it all comes crashing down.

my world is crumbling.

yours is in full blossom.

waiting.

dying slowly.

crying daily.

lost.

broken.

what did i do?

goodbye

These feelings strangle my heart so I can't breathe when I see you…

Overcome with emotion, tripping over my words.

Swimming in your ice blue eyes filled with confession and love of someone else.

You never did understand what you really meant to me.

So here I am walking out of this room filled with friendship.

And what scares me the most is NEVER coming back.

Never returning to Ohio, never returning home to where I "belong".

My childhood wrapped in newspaper stuck in a box under my bed with you on the cover.

My heart pounding as memories overcome my mind.

A thousand thoughts run through my mind and if only I had laid all my cards on the table.

Instead I sat bluffing two of hearts and a pair of spades.

As you went all in with a royal flush.

Winning whatever I had left of me and you.

And still as I walk out of an unexpected friendship, all I want to say is three little words.

But life goes on and all I am able to mutter out is a simple goodbye as I pack my emotions away in boxes.

Waiting for you to bust through my door and tell me you love me, always have and always will.

As the sun sets over the east coast I realize you're never coming and it is time for me to drive away from everything I have ever felt for you once and for all.

And all I wanted to hear was a simple "goodbye".

she's only young...

Singing softly, dreams whisking away importance in life as tears wash down her face.

Forever broken by her environment.

Crying her eyes out into an ex-boyfriend's old varsity sweater.

Looking flawless in a long, sequenced dress; hair all done up perfect for what she believes was going to be the best night of her high school career…

Make-up washed down her face, nothing seems to matter anymore.

A flask in hand, a bowl packed tight with the best stuff she could get.

 Trying to take the edge off as best she can.

Running away from all she has ever known, lost in her teenage years.

Miss popular, cheerleader, prom queen, class president, validvictorian.

Broken in two.

Off in her car she goes, never once tapping the brake pedal to show she is so much better than the east coast she hails from.

Headed into the sunset, off to the west coast with nothing but a broken heart and shattered dreams.

Trying to make it right, turning off her phone, rolling down the windows, and turning up the music.

Disappearing into the wind, a single song plays as she rolls away from what she used to know.

Ex-teen royalty, a new life at her hands.

But she's only young, so she hopes to fuck things up right this time.


creative writing class

so, for creative writing class i had to do a bunch of writings and i wrote some haikus and a monolouge and i really liked them so i posted them here:

1)

Midnight comes so fast

Washing away sunny day photographs

Tomorrow is another day

2)

Drizzling wet rainfall

Emotion floods my heart soaked in pain

Happy days gone so far

3)

Morning sun rays flow through

Upon my face early in the morning

I won't awake till noon.

4)

    One more won't hurt now

Wrapped in emotion drunk and alone

Wondering what could have been

5)

11:11 make a wish

Wishing for a better tomorrow

Hoping you'll be there too

            "I want to leave so bad. Leave Ohio and make a new name for myself. Distance myself from my parents and their 'we know best' attitudes. He makes me so mad that I never want to be home. They never understand why I feel the way I do. Never do they listen to what I really have to say. I no longer want to be stuck here in this god forsaken hell hole of fake people, and being different is a sin where everyone dresses alike and no new ideas ever come to those whom have conformed to this society. I try to speak what is on my mind, but no one listens to the child who just bad mouths his high school and calls people out on what they are and always will be. Even when I turn out to be right, no one ever admits to themselves that I am better off without them. So to California it seems I must go. Where sunny weather is an indication of how accepting that beautiful that state must be. A world away from Ohio. Miles and miles from where I grew up to hate everyone and almost everything about human society. I am so sorry for my actions and, yet, I feel there is no other way. The friends I do have made my life here in Ohio manageable. Always there for me when I need to just get away from home. Always ready to have a good time. Still, I feel I must leave them behind. Without a notion of goodbye. Just fading into the background. A high school memory. A love long lost. Better off they will be without me, even if they do not believe it. I promise them it will be better off. Off I go into the sunset. Never to return to my childhood home."

bloody valentine


heavy flakes fall scattered upon the black streets of hell.

slowly you walk away.

away from me, away from this all.

disapearing into the night.

nothing but a memory, a lost cause.

left with frozen tears on my cheek to fend for myself.

lost, confused, hurt, dead inside.

standing alone in the dark with nothing more.

everything i had is packed into a bookbag that hangs gently from your shoulders.

too terrified to speak, too lost move.

another heartless bastard carrying off my last spite.

my last hope in love.

scars settle upon my heart over the years untill you finally rip it out of my chest to leave nothing but a hole that burns everytime the wind blows threw it.

stiched and bandaged still thinking of you and how you left me here all alone.

never to love again, waiting to end it all with a single shot.

a single bullet with your name written in red marker on the casing.

my last sunset.

your last chance to save me from this spirling downfall...

loaded and cocked.

trigger on my finger itching to be pulled.

the stars fade and the snow falls black as red pours into the streets of your bloody valentine.

pulling the trigger

tears run down a face so soft with passion.
dreams shatter before your eyes.
screams of "help" that cannot be herad by anyone fill your head.
fake smiles plaster your face.
long sleeve shirts cover the scars and the scabs.
a bottle of Jack attached to your hand.
not a prayer in the world.
not a love in sight.
and the only one he could ever be with is sound asleep without you.
peaceful and optimistic never expecting the final blast.
the last straw.
one bullet away.
just a body on the floor and a head blasted all over the window.
slowly dying inside and out.
everything to end in an instant.
all i have to do id pull the trigger.
BAM!

Monday, December 1, 2008

visions of never


the room gets darker and smaller.

slowly towering in on me.

pushing me up against the wall.

sitting in the corner watching it all fall upon me.

weakness sets in.

blood rushes to my head.

a cold sweat.

an uneasy mind.

i try to scream but nothing comes out.

vision goes blurry.

touch goes numb.

my heart rips threw my chest.

my last glimpse was of everything i never got to do...