the past is the past

I had, you, i lost you, i longed for you...

the past is the past.

today i look forward to what could be.

to a life without you...

i am no longer afraid to walk alone.

i don't need you anymore.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you...

i removed you from my life.

you're pictures are gone.

the memories are stained.

the pain is no more.

the hate is wearing away.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you...

the past is the past.

the words you spoke no longer pick apart my mind.

the touch you once had is no longer felt.

the things we had are wrapped up in a box and thrown in the trash.

The picture frame was smashed on the floor, covered in the blood stains of my hands.

the cuts i thought would never heal.

they're gone, the stitches are permanent.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you...

the past is the past.

that's over with now.

i had you, i lost you, i longed for you, and now i moved on.

Miserable at Best.

I don' t know what to do...

I'm miserable at best. 

I see him in everything.

I can still hear his soft, but strong voice as it surrounds me when he says, "hey."

I can even feel him all around me.

Gently touching my skin, caressing my body against his.

Kissing me so softly all around.

Feeling his love run up and don my spine.

Goose bumps fill my arms and back.

My eyes find him all around, but when I look back he's not there.

He's left me alone.

Locked out of love in darkness.

If only you would have given me a second chance.

I know I can change.

Just please let me love one more day...

As I fall into the depths of hatred and loneliness I reach out one last time in hopes I feel your hands there to catch me.

Nothing.

No one.

All I wish is to feel your lips pressed against mine one more time.

Instead I still fall... further and further into death.

What Remains...

Out of the darkness you appeared.

You helped me to become who i am.

You made a commitment to me.

You said you would never leave me.

You lied.

Darkness came again and you vanished.

I fail to see the light.

I fail to see if it will ever be okay.

The ghost of you lingers.

I can still feel you, I can still feel the remains of the ring i once wore proudly upon my left hand.

I can see you take yours off...

My world crumbles into your hands.

I need someone to help me pick the pieces up.

I never even got a last dance.

There was no chance for me.

Out of the blue came blackness.

No tomorrow, no future, nothing.

Dear Mother & Father

I know you don 't like it.

I wish you would just ignore it.

I'm sorry, but this was not my choice.

I did not plan to fall in love.

I would have rather just wrinkled up and died alone.

Cold and abused.

Torn and ashamed of what i am, of who i have become.

Of what i never had a choice about. 

Just leave it alone, kick me out, pretend i never existed.

Just let me go.

I'll change my last name, i'll move far away, you'll never hear from me again.

I'll wear a fake smile and pretend like it is all okay.

I'll wear long sleeves even in the summer to hide the cuts and the scars of everything i've done to myself.

I'll take that gun and put it to my head, not able to pull the trigger so instead i just sit in misery and cry about my loss, my failures... 

My hopelessness. 

But i did my best to make you realize this is my life.

My chance to be great, my chance to fail miserably, my chance to do things the way i want... 

I'm sorry you do not approve.