i wish.

i wish you could understand this anger that you make me feel.

the way that i get when it seems you don't understand.

you just nod your head and agree as my words and my poetry  dance around your head.

never quite connecting with that mind that you claim have inside.

I've devoted myself to you.

i listen and do as you please, I'm always here for you, but you don't give me the same attention.

you just say we remember things differently, but i know better.

don't you understand that I'm not a fucking moron.

that I'm smarter than i look.

i know what's going on.

and yet somehow i always end up apologizing for the way you make ME feel.

how does that work?

one day i may not be there for you.

I'm gone, i walked out the door.

I've given up on everything I've felt for you.

it was so much easier to be alone.

I'm so angry that you took so much of my life away from me.

you've cut me deeper than ever before.

I've rendered my soul into this black and white society and all i wanted in return was some form of love.

too much to ask of you i now know.

i wish i wasn't so slow on figuring that out.

i would have moved on by now and it is so hard to let go of the one thing you thought would last forever.

the cut bleeds more and more.

soon there won't be a me and you. soon there won't be a me.

just you, alone, and me in the darkness and fire of Hell.

but now I'm just pissed off, asleep and dreaming...

Foolish

Stuck here, conscious, but unable to move.

digging, deeper and deeper into this untouched Earth.

Tossed away.

Nothing.

Useless.

BURY ME!

Stuck in this eternal purgatory.

Dry heaving, losing feeling in my heart.

Eyes becoming heavy.

Fading into blackness.

Alone, afraid.

Foolish.

Love me.

Tell me what i want to hear.

Screaming does no good.

Fake smiles.

Someone call out for help.

I cannot do it alone.

Shallow breathing.

Cold sweat.

Forgiveness.

Sound ends.

Life ends.

Did anyone notice?

mistakes...

promises broken...

heartache...

it's so hard when i put myself in this situation.

what have i done?

if i could do things differently, what would i choose?

would i make these same mistakes that plague my conscious or would i be smarter?

i want to be a better person, but change comes so difficult for one who is set in their ways.

to be tame, to be loved, to give yourself completely to someone who you don't even deserve.

i shot myself in the foot, i bled for the wrong reasons, i hurt myself and no one was there to tell me otherwise.

if their is a God, what have i done to deserve this fate?

why was it so easy to see the right choice, but so hard to follow through?

so i sit in darkened silence and rip my thoughts apart as if i have never once in my life taken the path that leads to higher ground.

tears fill my swollen eyes as i regret and let the music take me away to darkness and horror.

no one can help me now...

alone at last with myself, not safe, painfully disturbed and broken.

trapped inside my own mind games.

these fucking games, please just go away.

screaming for help, but no one hears me... no one knows me.

if only you could recognize my playful distrustfulness. 

but i am too far gone, where no one can reach me, treading in deep water, barley staying afloat. 

as if i am made of stone i sink deeper and deeper grasping for air, dying slowly inside.

trying to fond my way back, but the weight of my sins pull me deeper and deeper into another direction.

a new destination in hell... maybe purgatory... stuck without hope or guidance. 

when all i want to do is die. 

when all i deserve is a slow painful death.

i cannot seem to see the light...

bury me alive.

cut deeper that ever before.

more lost than ever before.

staring off into space... no looking back now.

so hard to say it.

"goodbye". 

Back At Ohio University!

I am finally back at school after six weeks of break. I have never been happier, but it always seems to have a few downfalls. Class for one, but mainly i miss the love of my life and my best friend the most out of anything. Classes aren't bad and i can deal, but it is so hard for me to not spend every minute thinking of what those two special people in my life are doing. It's hard to be four hours away from someone you know yo want to spend the rest of your life with. There is always temptation as well. It is sometimes hard for me to make the right one, but i try my best to do what's right for "us" rather than just I. It has been taking some time for me to get use to being "alone" again and it's hard for me to go back to being independent rathe than always being with my significant other. I make the wrong decision a lot, but i guess that is the main point of college... to make your own mistakes and learn form them. Besides, if someone really loves you they really should not judge you ever. They need to accept that you're in a position where you need to make your own decisions and they can only influence you so much. Well, here's to a new quarter, and  new year of learning and growing as a person. 

Always yours,

Vincent Andrew