"family"

stumbling, tumbling, falling flat on my face.

numbing the pain.

Frostbitten, ice cold heart.

Waking up angry.

always pissed off.

nothing more than a child striving to be a man.

constantly falling short.

not sure if i'm even ready.

living in the shadows of an older brother.

just by blood, no relation.

hate brews at "family" dinners.

Shouting echos throughout the house.

Broken homes shatter in the silent night as the moon seals her lips.

lonely winter

Watching the snow lightly fall.

4:34am.

Winter, cold, dark.

sitting alone at the computer.

Just high enough to write a line or two.

Wondering mostly if i could write a word without you.

Sitting here wondering if you're looking at the same stars.

Waiting in the shadows.

Lost in paradox.

Paranoid, paralyzed.

frozen like the icicles hanging off the balcony.

Praying to a God he doesn't believe in.

Just wondering if he'll make it out of this.

whatever this is.

Fighting off the winter frost.

sleepless.

anxious.

out of words.

When the Drugs Don't Come Easy

The lights, the presents, the snow, the holiday cheer.

Yet somehow i fade into the back.

Lurking the corners filled with shadows.

The loss of innocence, the inability to believe.

Looking for an escape.

A new start.

Learning to accept that seasons come and go, but certain people never change.

The impact they make, whether good or bad, can be forgotten.

Searching for a way, a fork in the road.

A new God, someone to listen to.

Wondering if anyone can ever make the pain go away.

Stuck in a world filed with doubt.

Letting the heavy chains weigh me down, keeping me trapped inside this nightmare.

Watching you destroy yourself, feeling most responsible.

Starting the fire, fueling it with hatred for self.

Frozen in time as you hold out your hand.

I'm too scared to take it.

To grasp the hope, feel the warmth of your love.

Holding back the tears, dropping to the ground in screams.

Pulling the rope tighter.

Ready to take the first step as a chance to close my eyes for the first time.

The pain drains out of my body taken away by the night air as my body sways in the wind.

December 1st

Colored lights hang from brick buildings.

Snow falls gently covering the ground.

Footsteps wrap around alleys and back ways.

The winter wind whips through the tree tops.

Just another ghost in this abandoned college town.

A lost soul just traveling through.

A loveless winter wonderland.

So quiet you can hear your own thoughts echo.

A train barrels through the night in the distance.

A lonely train horn filling the crisp, night air.

Turning the corner and disappearing into the night as stars twinkle above.

Winter Comes

The sun drops out of the Western sky.

Oranges, yellows, and reds fade as gray consumes the skyline.

The bitter night approaches as lighting dances across the sky.

Puddles form in the dimples of the beaten earth.

Rain boots clump against the pavement carefully avoiding muddy water spots.

Sadness reaches across the faces of the broken.

Streetlights twinkle as dark souls dance around them in the bitter cold.

Winter approaches swiftly overtaking the burrows.

Hearts melt under the frost of morning.

All is silent... all is lost.

Drug induced Coma

The walls melt like blood spills from an open wound.

The mind overcomes the urge of pain.

Altering perception.

Loss of body control.

Dreamless sleep.

Trapped inside a secluded, dark room.

Screams are silenced.

The record player crackles...

Alone with your thoughts.

Mind racing.

Numb.

Lying awake on the floor convulsing.

Inches from death.

Eyelids heavy, never to re-open.

Come and Play

The fire ignites my inner darkness.

The moon hides behind the clouds.

The whisper of the wind.

Street lights flicker as the hour approaches.

The clock tower chimes twelve releasing the horror of the night.

Broken souls float across the beaten earth.

Sinners flood out into the night as saints run for cover.

Fire spreads as they wake.

Demons consume the innocent and terrorize the heavens.

Graveyards hiss with the secrets of the dead.

Crisp air sweeps through once warm homes.

Shadows play on the wall as spirits dance in the churchyard.

Freakish screams echo through the darkness.

Silently the night whisper, "Come and play."

Masks

Starting to feel the distance come between us.

I love you, i always have, i never stopped, i never will.

A place in my heart you will always have.

Waiting for the fall.

An out stretched hand i could not reach.

Sinking faster and faster into darkness.

Cuts cover his thighs.

Feeling alive as crimson runs down his leg.

Red smears the mirror...

His face beaten down.

Unrecognizable to himself.

Harder to breathe.

Lost inside his mind.

Racing thoughts diluted with drugs.

Stumbling around.

Self-destructive by nature.

Twitching uncontrollably.

Losing time.

Ticking away.

Fading back into the crowd.

Covered up, perfect mask.

numb.

not angry or sad, but numb.

stuck in purgatory.

lost in a lifeless spin.

emotionless.

never the one to say the right thing, at the right time.

lost in my own racing mind.

trying to navigate the deepest, darkest spots.

watching as the world crumbles around me.

cold steal

The cold feel of steal against his throat.

Shimmering in the moonlight.

Twitching uncontrollably.

Cold sweats drip onto the floor.

Blood flows through ice cold veins.

The slit runs wide across his throat letting the blood spill into the bath tub.

Eyes roll back inside his head.

Gagging on his own blood.

Eyes never closing.

Staring dead into your soul.

For the first time in my life i am actually feeling my emotions.

I am angry.

I am depressed.

And most of all, I'm scared.

Would anyone notice?

tears pulsate out dark, blood shot eyes.

sharp, silver edges glisten in the moon light.

blood trails down the stairs.

twitches.

never have i been so lonely, never have i been so angry.

i just want to be happy.

i don't want to cry myself to sleep.

i don't want to tiptoe the edge.

i want someone to tell me it will all be okay.

i want to figure out my life.

but sometimes i feel like useless trash.

Not wanted, not needed, unloved.

so, i guess no one would really notice if i spun off that dizzy edge.

rope.

locked in this room.

four walls towering over me.

crushing me.

making me battle myself.

all my demons released.

attacking.

hard to breath.

sweat drips from every pore.

screaming in silence.

grasping for a rope.

a way out.

tangled around my own neck.

lifting me higher and higher.

darkness overcomes.

shadows play as my eyes roll back into my head.

a lifeless body swinging in the wind.

Creaking as the rope swings dead weight back and forth.

the night calls out to come and play, unanswered.

back and forth, back and forth.

stars fade and time stands still as the wind whistles.

walls

Shattered into pieces on the ground.

This empty house seems so big.

I've locked all the doors and built all the walls.

Told myself i didn't need you anymore.

Told everyone i was fine.

I was slowly dying inside.

I was trapped inside my own mind.

Walking this winding road all alone.

Completely lost.

And then you came back and picked all the pieces up.

You showed me how much you missed me.

You told me you were just as alone.

I unlocked the door and you tore my walls down brick by brick.

Shattered any notion that being alone was best for me.

You caught me.

I fell in love all over again.

I found myself.

I escaped my mind.

I found someone to hold my hand.

I realized I am nothing without you.

Pure Chaos

Color fades out of the sinners eyes.

Darkness approaches rapidly.

Eyes swell with tears as flashes of red streak across his eyes.

Bones crack, scars fade away.

Silence so breathtaking the Earth stands still.

Motionless.

Heart stops beating, eyes pixilate.

Dreams shatter.

Nightmares ravish the dead and plague the living.

Storms purge on unforgiving sailors.

Souls escape.

Pure chaos elopes.

Blood stains the hands of children.

No one is safe.

Why Don't You Stay for Awhile?!

The warmth of your body, the beating of your heart.

The smell of your clothes, the teeth of your smile.

The eyes filled with such love.

The way you make me feel.

The way you understand.

Every time i see you my heart skips a beat.

The music that plays every time i kiss you softly.

Everything you do makes me smile, and as i write these words i realize...

there's no way to describe how i feel about you in words.

I can't even pretend that saying "I love you" is enough.

You are so much more.

You're the only one that matters to me.

Please stay for awhile.

Twenty years young

May 21, 2010 I turned twenty years old.

The past year of my life has been nothing short of a roller coaster of emotion (cliche, i know).

I've lost some friends, gained some new ones.

I had the best day of my life and I tried to kill myself.

I was knocked down, and I got back up.

I fell out of love, and i fell in love all over again with an old lover.

I've grown, I've learned.

I've loss innocence, and I've conquered ignorance.

I've marched, I've stomped, I've skipped down brick roads and fields of green

I've drank and i smoked, i sang and i dance.

I spent warm nights lost under the stars and I've spent afternoons buried in the snow.

I've whispered secrets and shouted belligerent melodies.

I've kept my mouth shut when i should have stood up and i let my tongue get the best me when i had no idea what I was saying.

I've finally become the person i want to be, even though I have grown immensely, i am no where near done growing, for one grows mentally and spiritually till they pass away.

So, Cheers to another twenty years of growth.

Nightmare.

I don't know where they came from, the voices that is, but i just knew i had to find who they belonged to.

The corridor is dark and empty.

Sinister and cold with a chilling silence that is so uncomfortable it's painful.

The voices echo down the long hall and i see the slight outline of a little girl.

She giggles as she cuts a corner.

Running after her i slip around the corner to be found in a blank white room.

No door, no window.

Empty.

Not even my own shadow.

Stuck in the corner tears running down my face i hear a piano play a daunting song that drifts through the cracks.

paralyzed in the corner i feel something reach around me.

Arms that aren't quite human, dark and rough.

Grab at me and pull me through into reality.

Lying awake panting in my bed.

Dark, cold sweat, sheets thrown to the ground.

A nightmare.

Nothing more, nothing less...

Turning over and falling back asleep the children giggle at me as they walk through the long hallways awaiting my arrival again.

Darkness

Waking up in a cold sweat.

Heavy panting.

No sense of self.

Darkness dances across the walls of the soulless.

3am and feels so lonely.

Alone, cold, scared.

No where to run even in the daytime skyline.

Shadows circle the wide-eyed dreamer.

Taunting his every waking moment.

Scars form over the bodies of the deceased.

Tantalizing lyrics carry a heavy melody across the beaten Earth.

Dropping bombs on deaf ears.

Singing the pain of the night to the preacher as he baptizes a new born.

Screams of horror over takes the sunshine.

Darkness reins over terror once again.

cold sweat

Stroke of midnights rings from the bell towers across the beaten Earth.

Sitting on the steps as the storm rolls in.

Smoking the cigarette i bummed off the stranger on the street. 

Holding a cup of coffee as the warmth burns my throat as it trickles down.

The leaves dance in the silence of the darkened night.

The stars shine as if to tell me sleep is near.

Laughs can be heard off in the distance as amateurs belt "Don't Stop Believin'" from the nearest Karaoke bar.

Thoughts run wild in my mind.

Releasing tension into every word that hits the page. 

Dreaming isn't my style... life is only ours too miss.

A sad song shuts down the bars, walking from crowded venues to dark, endless alleyways.

Only the glow of the moon shows your way. 

Only the darkness can show his smile, only time can pass.

The ticking of the second hand as it circles the numbers tediously.

A familiar tune heard by few, loved by even fewer.

A cold sweat as i let go of the night air and return to my nice, tidy bed.

people say

They say there's a reason why the people from your past don't make it to your future...

What happens when someone from your past is knocking on the front door?

The one person you could never leave outside in the rain no matter how much you hated them at that moment.

Your true love.

The only person you've ever seen standing next to you in the end.

Do they get a free pass?

People say true love never dies... at least they got that one right. 

Cup of Coffee

Fingers racing over the buttons as each click is met with a hardened breath.

Waiting for a reply in between cigarettes.

Harsh voices scream inside my head interrupting my insanity.

Phone rings... It's him.

Reaching for the phone attempting to grasp words as i fumble with the buttons.

I hear his voice and i start to shake violently... terrified as he mumbles on and on.

The voices echo as i make my way outside for air.

Hardly breathing, hardly understanding.

Mind races. Speech is short and stammered. 

I'm stuck, I feel alone at first.

Suddenly i'm not afraid, i'm calm and collected and as a matter of fact, a cup of coffee sounds wonderful.

Where Do We Go From Here?

Deep breath, eyes closed, stepping out into the sun blind.

Scared, unaware of the world with which we belong.

Colors swell in oceans crashing on the shore.

Tears puddle in his eyes.

Energy flows from within through the heart.

Music becomes a fantasy as the notes drip from speakers into the ears of the lost.

Rain drops fall from the sky renewing the earth, cleansing broken souls.

Screams of fear fade away as flower bloom and guns fire off in the distance.

Just waiting for a Sunday morning sunrise.

A Broken Boy

Rain runs down a broken window.

Blank stares as lights blur in the reflection of his eyes.

Searching for answers and breaking silence to ask for a cigarette.

The flame of the lighter flickers as he walks away from everything he knows.

Down a winding road to God knows where.

Mumbles of screams repressed come pouring out in his tears.

Too afraid to dream, too afraid to sleep, too afraid to speak.

Tattoos grace his body to hide scars from years faded.

Dead inside from the guilt he carries upon his shoulders.

Blood washes away the pale, sickly skin color he wears.

His tongue stained from the words he never said. 

As his steps fade and his shadow disappears into the night, i can't help but to think we're all just trying to find our way home.

Nights of Chaos

Nightmares ravish in the light.
Nights turn over sunny days without sleep.
Dark circles hang from the eyes of the wicked.
Wrecked, soulless, broken, sick.
Reaching for your last breath.
A steady hand blows off the pain.
Liquor dangles from the lips of the sober.
The last scene takes place.
A standing ovation.
Final bows and the curtain closes.
Daydreamers lose hope.
Awakening speech falls on deaf ears.
Drowned out by the cries of chaos.

CLutter

Cluttered voices fill my mind.
Dreams shatter in the forms of screams.
Dried blood leaves stains upon the kitchen counter.
Bruises paint the empty canvas of a battered body lying upon bathroom tile.
Broken glass decorates the balcony as stale tobacco fills the air.
Words go unsaid as tension mounts.
Radio fuzz in the background drowns out thoughts.
Hearts beat in unison as the silence builds.
Eyes meet.
Background blurs...
Burning images of you into my mind.
The door slams and you're gone.
Alone again, dragging on my last cigarette.
Slowly wasting away.

Faceless Enemy

Tear drops puddle on the paper as i cry over what never was.
What never could of been.
What i was foolish to believe in.
What i never should of opened up to.
An idea.
An ideal.
A feeling, a chemical reaction.
A word more frighting than hell itself.
The chill of the spine, the mental exhaustion.
The freeze frame of your face burned into my memory.
The broken clock that helps me sleep at night.
The burn of the love letters in the winter wind.
The smell of disaster in the air.
A faceless enemy.
We never had a chance.
Not even a glimpse.
I watched it flutter away without ever thinking "What if?"
Slipped through my fingers, just out reach.