lost hope

I'm not good enough.

I failed in front of everyone.

No place to hide my face.

Running away.

Far from here.

Done with this all.

Noting left to do.

Dreams shatter and fall from sight.

No one even noticed.

On my own, lost and confused.

Drunk and alone.

Alone with the thoughts of death.

The gun cocked, the blades covered in dried blood.

The stains of failure all around.

Old cuts burst open as i restlessly move from side to side as the walls close in on me.

Would anyone really miss me?

Who would see me fall from heaven?

Chills run up and down my spine...

The room grows so cold and dark.

My breaths escape me.

My body is failing on me.

Collapsing on the ground...

Breaking apart as my mind goes a wander and i go numb.

Conforming to everyone else's expectations as they watch me make a wreck of my life.

Alcohol doesn't make the pain stop, the cutting never makes me feel alive.

The blood dripping down my leg is nothing but another broken sin.

Another stain on the carpet.

Pressure building.

Lost hope.

Pull the trigger.

Was it worth it?

falling.

Anticipation.

Heart racing.

Short breathed.

Nervous shaking.

Tense muscles.

Music fades in and out as the voices take hold of me.

Falling from the skies above.

Who's there to catch me?

Slowly falling faster and faster.

Falling past everyone and everything i thought i knew.

Words on lined paper no longer mean anything as i gasp for breath.

Longing for a warm bed to share with someone i can love till i die.

May it be sooner than expected as i look back on my shattered life.

No childhood, frustration sees sadness and pain rather than laughter and happiness.

Blood rushes from my veins into my journal as i bleed, slowly, to death.

No one seems to care, no one helps.

Horrified stares is all i feel burning in the back of my head, leaving permanent scars.

Closer to the end now, losing all hope, dreaming of a life worth living...

eat my words.

Can't sleep at night as you lie by my side.

Watching as your breath turns shallow and dreams begin to form in your mind.

Silently I stare at the ceiling.

My dreams reject me.

My thoughts run wild with pain and suffering.

I choke on my own words as they spill out and engulf the room, slowly suffocating me.

Pulling back all the wrong ideas becomes too much as i try to cheat death.

Never giving in, but sickly enjoying every painful cut.

Blood flows from my fingertips as i write my last words on the wall.

Picking apart every moment i've wronged someone, every moment i've hurt myself.

Flashbacks to a better time, where all i can see is blurred out faces smiling, laughter fills the air.

Nobody's there as i look to take my last breath and choke on my very own words, the last three i will ever have a chance to say.

Here it comes, the last struggle, the last moment, the time to say goodbye...

"I Love you..."

The Boy With The Gorgeous Eyes

All time stops and fades away.

Softly his lips press against mine and pull away so slowly.

Wondering if he returns this feeling i've begun to express.

Drowning in his ice blue eyes, as he stares into my mind trying to figure out what our next move is.

My hands caress his back feeling the warmth he expels from his body through his skin.

Gently rubbing my cheek upon his as he laughs softly as my beard tickles his chin.

Refusing to let go as we lye awake in my bed.

The dawn slowly rises and i watch him breathe restfully, resting my head upon his chest.

Finally, awaking he realizes were he is and smiles with flashing white teeth at the sight of me.

Gradually he puts his hand on the back of my head and the other holds my body close to his as he passionately kisses my forehead.

Feeling safe and secure he murmurs those three little words.

Silence takes the place of the air conditioning hum and i gaze into his eyes searching through the cluster to find the truth.

Maybe i can finally let my guard down.

Maybe i should take this moment and run with it.

So many questions unanswered, so many decisions unaccounted for.

As time begins to slowly to tick away again i breathe shallow and whisper in his ear, "I love you too."

Time speeds up and he's gone away, just for awhile as i am left to ponder what is next to come, and what seemed so surreal has finally digested.

The boy with the gorgeous eyes is mine, the boy with the smile to kill for, is mine.

That boy doesn't understand what he just got himself into.

That boy has no idea i am scared of the uncertain. 

That boy is mine.