First Degree Misdemeanor

I. The Act

Walking into another corporate America superstore,

but I am not here to shop…

with currency anyways.

Smooth, calm, collected. Just another walk in the park.

Do I really need this bright yellow, flat brim, fitted, SpongeBob hat?

No, but I want it and I am not paying fifteen dollars for it.

Chapstick, socks, underwear, tee shirts…

All over priced, so I slip it under my charcoal gray overcoat with

the secret inside compartments.

Time to walk out before anyone gets suspicious.

II. Busted

Steadily picking up pace as I walk past the cashiers,

Almost there.

Anxious as I pass through the security barricades,

praying they do not go off…

And as easily as I walked in, I am out.

The door is right there, headed to my car with my

new merchandise, the sun shining through the automatic doors.

“Excuse me Sir!” and I freeze… “Please step into my office.”

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

III. The Office

“Unload your coat, everything o n the table.”

And slowly the weight of my coat becomes less and less as

I pour item after item of stolen merchandise on the cheap,

sand colored table. “Is that all?” Yes sir. “Wait here until the

cops get here.” Is this a fucking joke?! Am I getting Punk’d?!

The room is painted sky blue, cameras in each corner watching

me chew my nails to the bone in silence as the employees laugh

at my misfortune. “$92.58 worth of shit. Was it worth it?”

Silence plagues my lips as I stare unconsciously at the floor, avoiding

their glares.

IV. The Cops

Black uniforms, my reflection of terror in his gold badge.

The man… why did I do this? I cannot believe I thought I would

never get caught.

“Please take off your coat and assume the position on the wall.”

Are you serious?! It’s fucking Wal Mart! Whatever. I stand calmly

and place my hands on the wall as his nimble, bony, chapped hands

rub up and down my legs searching for something, nothing.

“Is this your wallet?” You found it in my pocket didn’t you?

“Don’t be a smart ass you little fuck!” Sorry sir, yes, it’s mine.

He goes through my wallet, taking out every little thing possible,

my ID, my insurance cards, my pictures, my Border’s gift card and

finally, he takes both my fake id’s. “I’ll be keeping these.” I figured.

V. Court

I’m fucking going to jail, god damn it. This was SO stupid. Fuck.

Waiting to get processed seems to be a longer line than getting

into heaven. The room smells of stale tobacco and booze from

the boys in the drunk tank. I do not belong here. Not with the

heroin addicts and women beaters. “How do you plead?”

Guilty. “I sentence you to a $100 fine and court fees. Also,

thirty days of jail…” WHAT THE FUCK?! “…suspended on the

condition that you never set foot on Wal*Mart property again,

and that you remain a law abiding citizen.” Yes your Honor!

VI. Lesson Learned

As I pay my fines I can’t help, but be happy. Happy I didn’t

have any priors, happy that I did not go to jail, happy that

all I got slapped with was a hefty fine. Most of all, happy I

get to walk out a free man and not in cuffs. The sun beats down

on my face. The warmth reminds me of the simple things

that I would have missed if I had to wear the orange jumpsuit and

worry about dropping the soap. The only question I have now is,

Where am I going to go grocery shopping now?!